Updated: Sep 10, 2019
For the past few months I have become unable to ignore a significant surrender. A voice in my head instructing me on what to do, but not how to do it. A hint every day that I am meant for something different, something else. I have questioned this internal feeling over and over. I have interrogated it to offer my some glimmer of the real meaning of it.
I have realized that I am at a crossroad with myself, and completely frustrated with continuing to force myself to accept that I am stuck, and that I can be happy being stuck. I have been telling myself that I am fine here, that I have a good career, that I am moving forward, that if I keep applying myself in this direction that it will eventually manifest into something really really great one day. Then, over the course of the past few months, that manipulated, brain washed hope that I was feeding myself is the symptom of fear.
I have convinced myself that there is a problem with having creative thoughts, hundreds of ideas, a different perspective- because in the work force of my career, changes aren’t accepted or promoted. Individual success doesn’t exist.
I want to share where I am, and some of the other things that I am reconciling into accepting- as I have always perceived myself differently. The idea of finally doing life different- has allowed me to understand, respect and accept that I don’t need to classify myself or my characteristics to suit a profession, a desk job, a career… that all of my skills, unique traits and “gifts” are available for me to see and experience- and I don’t need to place myself into a classification to find a shoe that fits.
Just me is Fine
You know, I used to think that other people around me created some type of electrical force of energy. I sort of thought that my role was equivalent to that of a power converter, that I could take their energy- magnify it- and then extend that energy onward more powerful and stronger and in unison. I wanted to be a power plant to a positive influence, and I wanted to be the central point of where that current was going. I wanted to hold the responsibility of the success, by guiding and recharging all of the vessels of the operation. I have been so caught up in the occupation of fueling a team or an organization or a project that I accepted a new position with a different company and really imagined it differently than how it turned out for me.
In my experience with changing jobs, I learned that it isn’t the job title that gives you the fulfillment, it’s the team you work with, the people around you- and for me- I have finally realized that I MUST be working on a task or project- large or small- that has meaning.
Since I have been on AUTO-PILOT pretty much my entire working career- I never had to learn, or teach myself the concepts of truly caring about the work that I was doing. I was just a person who “cared” in general: in most situations I cared too much. So how did I go from caring about what I was doing or working on to seemingly suddenly, not caring? How have I gotten to a level of discomfort with where I am in my career, and why am I giving up on continuing on believing that my “career” is my future? Why have I not been able to mute the thoughts that make me cringe “I don’t care”. ? What is going on with me?
“Is someone Bothering you at your job?” the Dr. asked me.
“No” I replied, looking downward.
“Have you always wanted to do something and haven’t done it?” He asked.
“Bingo!” I proclaimed, having an AHH-HA moment.
at my Dr. Visit after 2 days of severe depression/.anxiety
I know for certain that our bodies find a way to let us know something is wrong when we continually aren’t able to hear the internal voice that is trying to alert us. I think that we get caught up in a hide and seek game with ourselves, and the mind is super interesting- the way that we think that we can somehow “trick” ourselves into going along with the “ITS OK, EVERYTHING IS FINE” thought. After so long- in my experience- my body suddenly just falls apart. Like a light switch- things just SUDDENLY SCREECH to a halt (with a loud screech, since I don’t use those brakes often).
So my life, goes full speed and then BOOM. Like so many times that I can almost create my own song. And maybe that's just it. This is my life, this is my song. I am now coming to the conclusion that I can do things on my own- and maybe- probably- do them better on my own.
So, as much as I despise the thought of admitting that I am terrible at making decisions- I am beginning to understand that it isn’t something that is just engraved into our human DNA. The world that we live in, or at least speaking from what my world looks like- is much more advanced and complicated than any DNA characteristic can house a history of characteristics that are built in to manage the “AUTO-PILOT” that can meet the demands of this day in age. The fact that I relied on this my entire adolescence and up until recently astonishes me- and also compliments my DNA (yup, still believing deep down). Now, being in this “crossroad”, I not only plainly see, but embrace the fact that I am in need of some reconstruction on how I approach decisions, and how I manage the immense amount of input that I receive and process it into some type of output, that has the dignity of my own thought process as a signature of my intentions. My refusal to accept the way things “happen” and become comfortable with assigning myself the role of being the captain of my OWN life.
Why Are We Doing This Anyway?
I think that being intentional with the desired outcome from the simple and complex decisions throughout life will begin to mold the picture that I want to see. I think that losing motivation to make your decisions is a clear indication to me in my situation that I am moving in the wrong direction and the picture is looking less like what I imagine for myself, to the point that I am having trouble recognizing my life as my own. I am identifying the place that I am in as “not enjoyable, no future, hopeless, no reward, no fulfillment” and that’s because I am letting my life just live out itself. I am letting Mr. Auto-Pilot direct my journey instead of me being the captain and putting my life together in a way that I want to. I am accepting being “stuck” as a real place, like it is a destination that some people just “end up” in along the route to where ever we are heading.
That Final Turn
Imagine a race, you’ve passed all the other opponents and If you look back, and take your eyes off where you are going you might lose control and cause yourself to lose it all. Like life, or at least my life- I have rarely given myself the opportunity to experience and learn from the laps that I have taken, and instead am always looking ahead for that final turn and straight away to a finish line. I don’t even know how many times I have been around this track, probably enough to finally realize that I am tired, whooped, and just hoping that this time around, I’ll be able to slow down, and hold up that trophy. This is my illusion, the desire to “win” is so strong, and engraved into my determination that I never struggled to manage to succeed. In this crossroad, I can see that there may be an advantage to running the races a little slower, and the reward may be greater at the finish. I won’t be so winded and exhausted and collapse as soon as I cross the finish line. My soul needs conditioning, and then I can continue going and going.. and be consistent, from the first turn to the final turn of my race.